Go Beyond "How Are You?"
Looking for concrete ways to actively support someone who’s struggling, grieving, or facing challenges? If you want to move beyond the usual “How are you doing?”, read on.
Checking in with folks to ask how they’re doing and if you can help, are nice gestures, but these things don’t always have the impact you think they do. While your intent and thoughts may come from a place of care and concern, they can actually stir up more anxiety, stress, and challenges for the person on the receiving end. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask anyone “How are you doing?”. But there are however, alternative ways to offer support, that might be of much greater benefit. Before I share some of the ways, let’s first take a look at why the standard “How are you doing?”, doesn’t always work.
While everyone is unique in what they need and respond to, being asked questions can feel like a lot of work and pressure when someone is already feeling overwhelmed. Not everyone wants to talk about how they’re feeling (with you). Nor do they have the energy to think about options for you, on how to help. Also, asking people how they’re doing without being fully prepared for the possible answers, can create an uncomfortable situation for everyone. If you’re asking, then it’s necessary to have empathy and compassion to receive the answers you might hear.
Many times, when people are struggling (and even if they aren’t) they default to auto or edited responses, like “I’m fine”, “OK”, “Hanging in there”. Think about the last time someone asked you how you were doing. What did you say? I would imagine that if you were feeling happy, you might have said “Great!” or given your own version of “I’m fine”. But if you weren’t feeling happy, you probably didn’t launch into a recap of an argument you just had, or blurt out your heartbreak, or tell someone you were experiencing extreme anxiety, etc. Why not? For starters, we are generally socialized to sensor many of our challenging and deep emotions. We don’t openly have difficult conversations about how we’re feeling or commonly discuss topics that are difficult (mental health, death, race, politics, sex, religion, trauma, etc. -just to name a few.) or challenge what society has deemed “normal” conversation. Our tendency is to avoid conflict and things that make us feel uncomfortable. We stick to conversations that are familiar and make us feel happy, safe, in control, and will likely result in a positive outcome. When people do start to share more difficult things openly and honestly, it can sometimes catch people off guard. It’s probably happened to you.
When my father died and people asked me “How are you doing?”, I didn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable by sharing the truth. The truth, was that I was struggling, I thought something was wrong with me, I was profoundly sad, and I did not feel anything like myself. I wanted to scream and cry (I did when people weren’t around) and I wanted to wake up from the “bad dream” I felt like I was stuck in. I definitely was not in a good place and I didn’t want to dump that on the people around me. Sometimes I didn’t want to answer questions about how I was feeling because being asked was a reminder that something was wrong and I actually needed to escape those feelings so that I could function. I experienced some of these same feelings almost 20 years ago too, when my first marriage was ending and at other challenging times in my life.
Your loved one might have similar feelings about whatever challenge they’re dealing with too. It’s also possible they suspect that you aren’t able to handle hearing how they are feeling. Rather than responding with the truth, they offer a canned “Fine”, to avoid uncomfortable reactions or less than thoughtful comments. Also, people sometimes make someone else’s challenge all about themselves, try to “relate” with comparisons, or push unsolicited suggestions. I think most of us have done this at one time or another. (I know I have.) If you go the route of asking someone how they are doing, be mindful. Be prepared for hearing something difficult and just listening. Be prepared for someone not sharing anything at all, as well. Don’t be pushy if someone doesn’t want to talk to with you or shuts down your questions or changes the subject. Follow their lead and move on. Don’t make your desire to “help” more important than what they clearly are trying to tell you that they need. Trust that the people you care about, know themselves best.
You don’t need to be an expert on what to say when someone is struggling. You only need to consider that there are many meaningful ways to show support and let someone know you care, that don’t involve asking questions or adding to the load they’re already carrying.
The next time you want to help someone who’s struggling, think about:
Invitations
Reminders
Surprises
Relief
Nature
I promise that none of these things is hard to do and most important, the people around you will absolutely know that you care about them. Let’s break them down.
Invite them
Inviting someone to spend time with you can be a great way to show them you’re there for them. Rather than say “Would you like to do something?”, offer a specific invitation to do something that you know they enjoy doing. For example, “I know how much you love the art museum and I’d love for you to join me when I go next Saturday.”
REMIND them-
A hand written note, a voice memo, or even a video is a wonderful way to remind someone what you LOVE or admire about them! Tell them the positive impact they have on you/others. People forget and don’t always know their impact, this is your opportunity to remind them and make sure they know it.
Surprise them
I don’t mean show up on their doorstep. Deliver/drop-off their favorite treat. Send an e-gift card to a place they love. Make them a photo collage of the two of you. Send them a cookie bouquet. Gift them with a small token that makes you think of them.
SWITCH IT UP
Offer a change of scenery for that next meeting or get together. Give them a break from a space, routine, or responsibility. A new environment can inject new energy and feelings. (You can try this one yourself too when you’re in a funk or needing self care)
Step outside
Plan an outdoor mini adventure or activity that you and your loved one can do together. Spending even just a few minutes outside can boost moods! Drive to a beach, take a walk around the block, visit a local park/greenspace or outdoor recreation center, sit on the stoop, deck or porch. Even if it’s cold, nature can be healing.
Everyone experiences challenges. Being able to find safe spaces to discuss them and manage them is important. You can help create safer spaces for the people you care about by staying curious about what support and helping looks like. There are many ways to let people know you care and are available to support them. Hopefully these suggestions resonated with you and inspired you to think of new ways to offer support.